Let's be honest -- it's not unusual for a child to plead with you to stay home from church. "Aw, do I have to go today? I don't feel well. I'm too tired. I've got too much homework." These are legitimate reasons to which we can all relate, especially in these very busy times when even our weekends are often overscheduled with kids' activities and unfinished chores.
But as our children get older and seek greater independence, what if this plea becomes a demand? "I am not going to church anymore. It's boring. It's stupid. I don't like the hymns. I don't want to go to Sunday school. There's nothing for me to do."
That makes for a bit of a challenge, but it doesn't have to mark the end of a family church-going era and leave you nostalgic for the days when your child was happy to dress up as a shepherd in the Christmas pageant.
You can wag your finger and say, "Well you are going and that is that," or you can ask a couple of questions. "Why don't you want to go? What don't you like about church?" "Ask the question, be prepared for the answer and listen to their suggestions." That's advice from Rev. Guy Matthews, minister at St. James United in St. John's, Nfld. Matthews and his wife Deanna have 14-year-old twin boys who so far haven't objected to church.
"In my own experience, we've been fortunate," he says. "We've been bringing our boys to church since they were little, and they are involved in the band and drama programs." The boys also help lead the contemporary worship service and have friends who are involved in church. But as they grow older and more independent, keeping them involved could become more of a challenge.
"We (in the church) have often separated our young people from our active life as a congregation," adds Matthews. He points out that all churches struggle with the issue of youth membership. "We make assumptions that once our kids finish Sunday school and are confirmed, they are ready to take their place upstairs, among the regular congregation. There is no intermediate step. So they move into what may be foreign territory, where the language is hard to understand and they can't relate."
By the time they approach their teenage years, kids may not have the same respect for or attachment to the church. They may balk at continuing to attend. But in reality, they are just looking for a sense of belonging in a place where they feel valued, says Matthews. They need to know that church is a place "where they can find a community that cares about them. We have to create an environment that is safe and supportive, where kids are free to ask questions, express themselves and feel a sense of purpose."
Sharon Deemer is part of a team of parents who advise the youth group at Topsail (Nfld.) United, located on the outskirts of St. John's. She started the group with a friend when their children neared adolescence. By making an effort to get to know the kids, Deemer tapped into their interest in drama. The 23-member group of mostly junior high school students is busy rehearsing a murder mystery for an upcoming variety show. It's an original script written by the kids, and they all have major roles. The young people also put their talent to work once a month during the regular family services. In addition, they have an important role to play during special times, such as Christmas Eve services.
A firm believer in creating a welcoming atmosphere, Deemer says church is the best place to explore life's spiritual dimension. "It's where we talk about what life is all about, where people make an effort to be nice and where the whole family can hear important messages about social justice, about different cultures and religions." Ideas heard at church often spark discussions at home, Deemer says, which in turn can "draw families together at a deeper level."
While active and interesting Sunday school and youth programs give kids a reason to stay in church, parental involvement is crucial in keeping them there. "Families that attend church once in a while, but then dash off and don't take the time to get acquainted, will have kids who don't feel like they are part of the community." Somewhere along the line they'll almost certainly raise a fuss about going to church.
Finally, congregations that care about having young people need to befriend those in their midst. "The kids in our group tell me regularly that they feel included, that they aren't afraid to participate, that church is a much more caring, accepting environment than school," Deemer says.
They're the ones likely to raise a fuss about not to going to church.
